Transforming Defensiveness with Curiosity
By Lisa Templeton, Ph.D.
Becoming defensive may seem to offer a protective layer in this chaotic, harsh, and judgmental world we live in, but it often creates more conflict. This article is a guide to help us notice when defensiveness arises so that we can transform it. Research has found that most disputes begin, not with a genuine attack, but with a perception of an attack and a consequent defensive stance. Defensiveness is often perceived as an attack. Hence, most conflicts ensue from defense against defense, with no real attackers. With this in mind, we must stay very aware of ourselves with respect to our own defensiveness.
When we slow down around the reactivity of defensiveness, we learn more about how it plays out and subsequently creates conflict, separation, and uneasiness in our relationships. As we stay mindful of this experience, we learn more about how it is working (or not working) for us and move into more curiosity, care, and compassion with ourselves and each other. Asking questions about the experience within ourselves can help us relate more with this defensive feeling so that we can begin to transform it. Here are three questions to ask yourself if you start to feel defensive:
1) What is happening in my mind and body when I feel defensive? Take note of your stance and how it feels in your body. When I feel defensive, there is usually constriction happening in my heart and stomach area. There may be tightness and/or resistance. There also might be thoughts, “I am not safe” or “this person is trying to hurt me.” When we feel attacked, it is easy to move into an automatic fight or flight mentality.
Check in and give yourself a bit of space to notice what is arising for you. Remember that it takes a lot more energy than we might realize to put up defenses with another person. Those who feel especially vulnerable might have their defenses up most or all the time. This is exhausting. Take a moment and breathe into your body to observe the experience of defensiveness.
2) How can I be responsive instead of reactive? If we create some space and stay aware of what it feels like to be defensive, we can slow the process down and make a clear choice to respond rather than react. Once you notice the signs of defensiveness within yourself, slow it down. Stay open as to what is happening in the situation and how you choose to behave. With interest, you might question whether the person is attacking us or just expressing their own defensiveness. Is the whole thing a misunderstanding? If you feel attacked, the best way to respond is with clarity (a statement) and curiosity (a question). For example, “I am feeling attacked in this moment, what’s happening?”
3) Why am I feeling attacked? If we are defensive, we feel attacked so what is occurring that you are feeling hurt or offended? If you are able to answer this question, it provides more self-understanding about your own triggers. Perhaps someone used a negative tone or criticism with you or came off as dismissive with you. Stay attuned to yourself and what is taking place. What is it that we are really defending? What are you telling yourself about the situation in your mind?
As you stay mindful of your thoughts and feelings related to the situation, you learn more about your triggers or buttons. Once we understand this aspect of ourselves, we can “shore up our buttons” as I like to say. In other words, we can learn to protect ourselves in more responsive and effective ways. You might even be able to completely reframe the situation. You might remember that when someone criticizes or is dismissive with us, their behavior often relates to their inner world and insecurities, not ours. From this place, we can create more effective ways to protect ourselves by broadening our perspective of the situation at hand.
Practice asking these questions and be honest with yourself. A stance of defensiveness creates a wall, which is a set up for division and separation. To bring about more connection, intimacy, and compassion in your relationships, stay curious, kind, and gentle with your defensiveness.